I remember my first breakup.
Every morning when I woke up in bed, I opened my eyes. I probably gave a yawn. As usual, I knew I had to get out of bed, get ready for camp (I was in the army back then) and then head out of the house.
Then my brain registered that I had broken up.
That horrid feeling that bordered close to depression just overwhelmed me, as if a wave of bad feelings waited all night to sweep over my bed and drown me in the morning.
I just knew there and then that it was going to be a fucking horrible day.
This happened for about 2 months.
Every, single, morning.
Then I got a little better.
I thought I had moved on. My days weren’t so bad any more and I found myself thinking less of her.
Until I saw new pictures of her on social media and it seemed like she moved on way ahead of me. I felt forgotten. She won. I lost.
I continued to feel like crap again.
This went on for another month or so.
The first breakup is always the hardest
It is isn’t it?
It was for me at least. I loved her after all.
Or at least for the first time in my life I felt the highest sense of romance and emotions that combined to give me what I thought was love.
And with that, I had all sorts of dreams and aspirations with her. We talked of a long and bright future. We didn’t hold back! Imagination was insane! We were going to get married and we started laughing as we came up with stupid names for our kids.
When the breakup happened, all of that disappeared. Forever.
They were crushed. And there was no possibility of them being revived ever again.
That’s why the first breakup always sucks the most.
But that’s not to say other breakups are cool…
Be it the first, second or third, all breakups kind of suck.
Especially if you felt you really love him or her.
Because you felt like you love your partner, you invest all these emotions in the relationship. You have all these dreams and aspirations with him or her and you just thought things would work out. To even allow a negative thought of the relationship is like blasphemy!
Then when you break up, a void forms.
And you feel so empty inside. You aren’t even sure what can fill that void. Your usual self is totally lost. Things that used to amuse you or make you go, “Wow!” and smile all suddenly seem like a waste of time.
Video games? Forget it! Fake and lame.
Hanging out with your friends? They can’t give you the love you want.
Dating someone else? They are not [insert your ex’s name here] and that’s the only person you want in your life.
Is there even HOPE for a better life ahead?
Like me back then, you probably answered no.
Simply because a breakup is there to make you feel that low in life.
But I’m here to tell you now. For whatever it is, whoever you and where ever you are, a breakup shouldn’t bring you down that hard. Forget about feeling so low in life; life isn’t meant for you to feel so sad or even depressed. A breakup is hard, but it’s not the end of life and there’re things you can do for yourself to make it that much easier.
I’ve been through enough breakups to seriously upgrade myself and I’m here to help. I know how it is to seriously feel the sharp pain in your body and the never ending ache in your mind.
Also, the supposed help you get nowadays from typical, “How to get over a breakup” articles which ultimately tell you, “time heals all” are well, not real enough.
This is realness, from me.
How to dominate post-breakup trauma
Dominate your mind first
1) Go ahead and feel as bad as all you want
Because it’s going to hurt. It will. You’re going to feel the pain and feel like shit. And that’s how it’s going to be.
Accept that. Embrace the pain.
That means to say, don’t be asking why does it hurt so much or what did you do to deserve such pain. The pain is already there and wondering about it is going to be a waste of time.
Now take your time with the pain. You did after all, just go through a heartfelt relationship with someone you taught you love, and only you know how special that was.
SO this means to say, no one else can fully empathize. I personally find it annoying and totally not helpful when people think they’re qualified to give me relationship or breakup advice, however good their intentions are.
Advice will mean fuck-all anyway especially when you feel the early pains of a breakup.
And this means to say…
The pain ultimately shows how meaningful the relationship was.
Embrace for what it was and maybe to a little extent, what it could’ve been. The pain shows you’re a good person who knows how to love and have the capability to care for someone.
Instead of wallowing in that pain and feeling pity for yourself, take it all and realize how human you actually are.
2) Answer this question, “What do I want now?”
This was by far the best advice a close friend of mine gave me after my first breakup. I was feeling so messed up inside I just had to call and talk to someone.
And this stood out, The most important question you simply need to answer for yourself right now is, ‘What do I want now?’
Answer that ONCE with all your heart and mind. I’m talking answering with all the stability and emotional control you’ve, because you’re a good and sensible person. Stick with that.
Notes: If you answered, “I want [her/him] back”, then do whatever it takes you think you need to do to win that person back. Try ONCE only.
You have to know that there may be a mismatch of value between you and that person. If you are not wanted any more, then move on. That’s truth. Your desire is not anyone’s else’s desire, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your next efforts can be used for better things.
3) And never look back
Have you answered the question above?
Okay good, now don’t look back. Don’t.
The past is the past. Looking back would only serve to potentially screw up the bright future you’ve after you overcome the breakup.
You know how some couples, despite after breaking up start getting back together like a million times? When asked about it, they’re like, “Sigh… oh it’s complicated” or give bullshit like, “It’s true love”. Whatever it is for them, nobody around them respects them.
And it’s all because they look back and disregard the fact that a better future with someone more awesome exists.
So STOP fearing that the future sucks! It doesn’t. It’s all in your head.
Can you start believing in a better future? Okay now you’re ready.
4) Because you’re going to own it in your next relationship
You know you’ll right?
It’s common sense.
Fuck up in your first relationship. Learn and do better in your next one. Fuck up in that one, learn again and do even better the next one.
And I believe you can do better. OBVIOUSLY this means to say you can meet someone new.
When you do, it’s going to be an awesome one. When you learn from previous relationships, that’s what it means to never settle.
Because you only deserve the best for yourself.
I can’t predict your future. You can’t either. So why keep thinking about being alone forever?
5) Remember that you’re allowed to be happy
Life isn’t over for you.
And you are, by default allowed to be happy in this world, simply because you were given life.
It doesn’t matter if you just broken up, have a shitty job, a bad day, disappointed by someone or lost your wallet.
It isn’t the end of the world and you’re allowed to be happy.
Besides, you aren’t alone. Many people go through bad breakups and they’re, as of right now, feeling pretty low too. Take comfort in the fact that you aren’t alone. If others can get through, so can you. And it’s your chance to help others.
Dominate your lifestyle
1) Delete him; delete her
As with point no.3 above, it’s time to never ever look back. And you can do that by eliminating the chances of falling back into the past.
I do that by simply deleting her off all my accounts, and that includes her number, Facebook, MSN, Skype or whatever social networks (this includes real FRIENDS). I made the mistake of viewing my ex’s profile and I was devastated that time. Also, I always delete the mobile number for fear of drunk-texting or calling. That happened a lot, and never resulted in anything good, only major laughs and embarrassment.
Note: “But hey! What’s wrong with being friends after a breakup?” is what you’re protesting right now.
That’s totally fine, but does it hurt like fuck?
I find that many people subject themselves to more hurt simply because they think retaining a friendship is the moral thing to do.
I think it’s more moral to watch out for your well-being first. I personally recognize my pain, and I know I don’t want any of that. I don’t want to wake up feeling horrible.
I’m friends with them only when I know I’m totally fine and ready. If you aren’t, I suggest concentrating on recovery and moving forward.
Hope is something which should be steadfast and offer a preview of a brighter future (growing stronger and meeting someone better) and not the carrot which dangles in front of you (totally false hope, getting back together for sex only, drunk calling/texting, short-lived patching back etc).
2) Distract the hell out of yourself
Tried, tired but true advice.
You’ve got to distract the hell out of yourself to simply get your mind off thinking about your ex.
Now, of course this is going to be extremely hard. I know. Post-breakup trauma leaves you a collection of crappy feelings which makes you feel hopeless. Everything in life seems like a big chore and just wanting to reside in your room alone seems more appealing than anything. But that leaves you little space to grow as your mind goes crazy while your heart weighs you down.
After my first breakup, for the first time in my life I started a journal and took walks in the park alone. That sounds kind of lame, but it really helped.
So, to distract yourself, you absolutely have to FORCE yourself to.
Fight all the bad feelings, get off your ass and just try something. It could be playing a video game, going for a walk, exercising or being around friends.
It all isn’t going to be easy, and it isn’t meant to feel so. It’s a little like, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”,
But I like to be clearer and call it, “Doing a lot of hard shit when you don’t even feel like it, and it’s going to make you man up, build character and become way stronger than you can ever imagine”.
3) A bit of escapism can help
Whoa oh, taboo here. Not.
But you know? What’s wrong with escaping? To get away from it all?
Breakup or not, I’ve always been quite an angry person. Being pissed over little things and wishing bad karma on my wrongdoers.
So that’s why I love drinking. Alcoholic beverages gives me that little buzz and high that makes me feel good about myself and that everything in this world is okay.
I fucking love escaping reality. Because sometimes it’s shit.
And breakup trauma is just that.
You know it is!
So please, for the sake of your well-being, escape from it all! Distract! What rocks your life boat no matter what? Masturbating? Porn? Drinking? Screaming? World of Warcraft? Sudoku? Smoking?
Note: I don’t condone an unhealthy lifestyle. Neither is addiction cool. I said *a bit* of escapism. Please do everything in moderation. You won’t see me getting drunk off my ass all the time and getting into fights.
4) Start dating and meeting people, with perspective
This is by far the best method in getting over a breakup: Meeting someone of the opposite sex.
No, you don’t start this “only when you’re ready”.
You carry that shit out, NOW.
Meeting someone of the opposite sex is like a 1-for-1 package deal replacement of pain, with hope. This even effectively covers everything above.
And no, it’s not “wrong”. I did not say anything about being an asshole and using others for your own gain or manipulating others’ feelings just so you can feel better about yourself.
All you’ve to do is simply be honest with yourself and other people.
Then add a little perspective:
When I say make more friends: I’m not asking you to look for love. I’m asking you to merely make more friends and expand your social circle.
When I say go approach that girl at the bar: I’m not asking you to make out with her, achieve a one night stand or even score her digits. I’m only saying get to know her for who she is and add a friend to your life.
When I say go meet more people: I’m just saying relax, and have fun!
Do you see the message I’m trying to give you here?
I’m saying open yourself up to other people and the world! You’ll be surprised how much you can learn about others. Discovery is going to make you stronger.
And it’s an unlimited adventure
Time heals all?
That’s kind of cliché, that time would eventually heal all your wounds and whatever that ails you.
Which is kind of annoying because it means you’ve to wait, all in your shitty state.
The way I like to see time healing us all is this:
Ask yourself, how do you forget something?
You create new memories to replace the old, or at least let it fade.
And you create new memories by living it up.
Just keep living, doing new things and start living an epic life.
Start small, with the steps above. Get off your ass and don’t wait for time. Life isn’t meant for us to feel depressed about and feeling sad all the time over someone else.
You ultimately dictate your own happiness.
How bad was your breakup? Do you need any more help? Let me know in the comments.
Peace.
BONUS BREAKUP MATERIAL FROM 3 EPIC DUDES
Had enough? I hope not. I got some really awesome outside perspectives on breakups.
They are none other than my good buddies online from the blogosphere and I’m super proud to have them on Alden-Tan Passion on the Real!
With all our “amazing” credentials combined, we’re here to not just dominate your post-breakup trauma, but help you recover so much that you practically change and become way cooler than you can ever imagined.
Totally not douchey, sexy and not sexist, check out what they have to say!
Bio: Happy genius, homeless before and plenty of breakups . One of his exes betrayed him and landed him in jail once.
Look — straight up, life has shitty moments, and break-ups usually fit. Uuntangling two people who’ve blended their lives can suck. OR it can not. We’re all learning. Some of us are great at break-ups (ME :P), some of us aren’t so great. Ask yourself, do you wanna walk around earth being too lame to express your feelings, handle other people’s choices, and X — ORRRR do you want the practice? Do you wanna master your emotions? Do you wanna be badass enough to come off looking and feeling classy during dark break-up times?
Well, if you wanna be the badass, here’s the basics to get you started:
1. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. Seriously, I’m not interested in helping you, and you wont learn anything anyway if you cant get your physical body to take a single deep breath.
2. REALIZE THERE’S 7 BILLION PEOPLE in the world. Get some perspective. People grow, people change. The people you met last week, month, or year — are NOT guaranteed to be on the same path as you, and embrace the same emotional changes. If they are not a match, YOU WILL SEPARATE.
3. CONVERSE WITH CLASS when you discuss the issue. Don’t blame, hate, judge, put him/her down. Just accept that they brought some goodness to your life for a while. If you feel pissed, own it. “I feel pretty fuckin’ pissed at so-and-so, but I know they’re not a BAD PERSON. Just gimme some time.” Doing this let’s you move on much quicker, and sometimes brings the other person BACK in a new way. I’m famous for having exes contact me, or at least google me — why? Because I know who I am, I blame no one, and take responsibility for my part in things — even if its something simple like “Welll, I put up with a crazy person and ignored the warning signs — my bad.”
Break-ups happen, accept it and stop bitching, unless you’re trying to be the Guinness World Record Holder of NO BREAKUPS or something.
Benjamin Jenks of Adventure Sauce
Bio: Coach, video artist, & adventurer. He helps thoughtful people go on adventures that matter. He also love people and wrote a free e-book to help you talk to anyone.
A break-up could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Sure… you hate me for saying so, because you feel like vomiting all over your shoes, punching your ex in the face, and then curling up into a ball to sleep for 3.2 years.
But one day the pain will blow over.
When it does, you will feel a sense of strength and resilience that you didn’t know was possible.
I’m Benjamin, a Swagger Coach, video artist, and adventurer. I’ve hitchhiked over 22,000 miles, slept alone under the stars for hundreds of nights, and spent thousands of hours counseling the “bad” kids that got kicked out of school.
I’ve traveled a lot and if we were hanging out over a cold beer, I’d encourage you to travel too… now.
Especially if you just had your heart shredded into pieces. Just the act of being away from your city, away from your home, and away from your ex can help you see the vast possibilities the world offers. You will see the world, people, and most importantly yourself in an entirely new way.
This is one reason why this break up is so important to you…
It can help you clearly see who you are, what you want, and that the “pain” you are feeling is just an illusion. This break up can shine a light on the True Love within you right now.
It will help you knock the socks off some hottie one day.
But you need to accept that it’s over, feel all your feelings, and forgive that lying, cheating bitch/dick of an ex.
If you want to tell me to go fuck myself… that I don’t know what it feels like… let me spill a quick embarrassing heartbreak story.
I once felt so heartbroken, I slept outside for 2 months vowing not to return to my bed, until we were back together. I erected a huge banner in the front yard declaring my love and littering her driveway with love notes and flowers.
Let’s just say that didn’t work and it took my heart about 6 months to fully recover.
But the pain of that heartbreak did motivate me to make the conscious decisions to be complete in myself. This was one of the reasons I chose to travel the world, hitchhike, and go on so many solo adventures.
Yo… if you were expecting life to just hand you happiness, lollipops, and free beer, you’ve been watching too much MTV.
Heartbreak is an essential part of any full, wise, and passionate life.
I encourage you to dive in, drink it up, and decide where you want to travel too.
Cam Adair of KingPin Lifestyle
Bio: Was in the PUA (Pick Up Artist) field long enough to know it’s bullshit. Cam is a master at relationships and interaction!
Getting over a breakup is tough. Your feelings will be hurt, your heart will ache and it’s easy to feel rejected. These emotions aren’t exactly sexy. Losing your partner leaves a void inside as the special bond you two shared disappears. The temptation to fill the void with someone else will be high…
… But a word of caution: don’t do it. It will only make you feel worse and miss your partner that much more.
So what should you do instead? Focus on your friends. After a breakup it’s common to feel lonely and unwanted. It’s tempting to lay in bed all day watching movies and eating junk food. Losing your partner can cause you to lose part of your identity. Hanging out with your friends will fix this. It will remind you why you’re so awesome, and keep your perspective wider. Remember to listen to them. They have an outside view, and are seeing the relationship through a different lens. They will help you see the situation with more clarity, and help you stay busy.
During one of my breakups I was having a really hard time. I couldn’t shake the anxiety I felt day after day. One night I was laying on my bed and it was worse than ever. I called a friend and they invited me to go see the movie “Superbad”. I said ok. The next two hours were spent laughing instead of crying, which made me feel a lot better.
Laughing reminded me that life wasn’t so bad, and there was more to life than the anxiety I was feeling. This night was a positive turning point in getting over that breakup. Hanging out with my friends made the difference.
Alden: Breakups all kind of suck. That’s a given. Have you dominated your breakup? Remember to leave a comment if you want more help from me or these guys!
If you enjoyed this article, please click on the little green heart below. I’d love you for that!
For more articles on business by me:
- The 6 stages all introverts go through as they break up
- It doesn’t take a genius to be an adult
- I’ve anger issues and this is why I choose to remain angry
My name is Alden Tan and I’m sick of bullshit in the personal development space thanks to the pretentious people out there. I love writing and I’m also a Bboy.
Get my free book here if you want to stay in touch with me: 12 Things Happy People Don’t Give a Fuck About!
